Where there's a Will, there's a way

I was recently elected to the board of the Illinois Chapter of the Sierra Club. When I agreed to serve in the position I thought it meant doing more environmental work for no pay. Little did I know that it would be my ticket to the fantastic world of the environmental Illuminati.

It turns out that everything you've heard on conservative talk radio about the environmental movement is completely true. It is in fact a movement of people concerned with nothing other than schmoozing with Hollywood elites and controlling the world through the conspiracy of global warming!

The Sierra Club staff took me to a private jet with Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore. We didn't have anywhere in particular to go so the jet flew around in circles for a while. They explained that the wasted fuel doesn't matter since global warming is a brain-washing hoax. Al Gore and his cohorts have amazingly bought off every climate scientist in the world except those brave few willing to work for ExxonMobil.

The talk radio hosts complaining about Gore's house have no idea just how bad he is. He spends most of his time flying around the world in a jumbo jet powered by a special fuel derived from the fossilized remains of baby seals clubbed by cro-magnon man.

Eventually we flew to Venezuala to talk with Hugo Chavez and Robert Kennedy Jr. about how to use the global warming myth to ignite the world socialist revolution. Al Gore will be named world Vice-President for life.

My status as an environmental activist means a new lifestyle including frequent limousine rides with Hollywood elites. Julia Roberts and Ed Norton prefer the Hummer limo. And I'm sorry to inform the single ladies of Springfield that I will only be dating Hollywood actresses from now on. I already have dates lined up next week with Sheryl Crow, Daryl Hannah, and Jennifer Connelly.

That's my confession. Now you all know. Everything you hear on talk radio is true.